Monday, June 27, 2016

Rainbow Flag and the Color of Compromise

Seeing the rainbow colors of the LBGT movement everywhere has gotten me to thinking.

Not about hate crimes or gun violence or terrorists.

It’s gotten me to thinking about colors and how they combine to form new colors.

You could call it a miracle except that it’s not. It’s simple physics.

Just the mention of physics drives a lot of people away. I suppose the mention of miracles does the same thing. It would be nice if there was a term somewhere between miracle and physics to describe the process of red and yellow coming together to form an exciting new color—orange.

For lack of a better word, let’s call it a compromise.

Red and yellow bring something to the table and a new color walks away from the table.

There is still plenty of red to go around and all the yellow we will ever need, but now there is also a new color in town, orange.

Of course, red and yellow don’t actually make a compromise. Neither do they bring attitude or biases to the process. Neither is afraid or suspicious of the other. They don’t question the need for a new color. That is why combining red and yellow to form orange is no big deal.

As you might expect, this essay isn’t about colors so much as it is about compromise, but the science of mixing colors can offer some insight into the difficulty of finding compromise—specifically compromise in Congress.

Red and blue combining to create purple is a relatively easy task. So is bringing blue and yellow together to produce green. Creating maroon or fuchsia or crimson or any of the thousands of other possible potential colors is a little harder to accomplish—but not impossible.

Physics tell us so. Creating new colors is no different than sending a man to the moon. You simply set goals, start at the beginning, build on what you have and keep moving forward. You can’t tackle the big problems until you tackle the little ones.   

 Reaching compromise in Congress relies on the same principles. It has nothing to do with physics but when it happens, it is often referred to as a miracle. It’s really no more than common sense.  

We’ve seen how the Congress can work together—Democrats and Republicans, working together to name a new post office, or something else of little significance. But the hard decisions, the truly important decisions, seem impossible. It wasn’t always this way.

In 1964, liberals from the liberal Republican Party, whose presidential candidate was right-wing conservative Barry Goldwater, joined forces with liberals from a predominantly conservative Democratic Party, led by Lyndon Johnson, a FDR New Deal liberal president to pass the Civil Rights Act. This monumental piece of legislation was enacted in spite of and because of split votes within the parties.

The key was having liberal and conservative wings within each party to essentially break down barriers at a level where they could be broken down. As barriers fell, areas of agreement arose. By the time the Civil Rights bill reached the halls of Congress, the heavy lifting had been done. To be sure, not everyone was happy. They never are. But something did get done.

It took about two months for this legislation to pass. Today’s Congress has passed little significant legislation in the past eight years. It cannot even initiate hearing to confirm a Supreme Court judge.

The fifties and sixties was a time of great advancements made possible by common sense compromise. The interstate highway system, landing a man on the moon, moving from a prewar depression and a wartime military buildup to a consumer based economy were all accomplished by two political parties working together. Whatever divisions that existed, existed in both parties and it was within those parties that the initial work was done.

The problem today is that there is a huge split between the parties and almost no split within the parties. The result is that compromise winds up be sought at the highest levels of government where failure is almost certainly guaranteed.

Anticipating compromise on the floor of Congress today is like bringing red and blue together and expecting to get fuchsia out of the deal. It’s simply too big a project hindered by too little ground work within the parties. There has to be room within the Democratic Party for conservatives and within the Republican Party for liberals—not to mention a few other voices. Then there has to be debate within those parties. It also wouldn’t hurt if liberal and conservative weren’t seen as derogatory terms and compromise seen as surrender.

Maybe our leaders should lay aside the Constitution—for just a moment—and brush up on their physics.

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Who Killed the GOP

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.


“It wasn’t our fault,” said the gun lobby  

We’re only protecting an American hobby  
‘Sides, guns don’t kill people, people do  
If you’re looking to place blame, maybe it was you  
Second Amendment says guns are a right  
You know you’d want one in a fight  
So don’t you come looking for me  
Cause I’m armed to the gills, as you can see  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“Not me,” said the political strategist  
Times are ‘a-changin’, I’m just a catalyst  
I take polls and line up venues  
Schedule flights and finalize menus  
I make ads, and yes, some get nasty   
I gotta be tough. I ain’t no patsy  
I don’t want to hear ‘bout no dirty tricks  
Those Democrats can also be pricks  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“It wasn’t me,” said the global warming denier  
It’s freezing outside, so now whose the liar  
Those bergs have been around a million years  
Now that they’re gone, I’ll shed no tears  
Sure, some were big and some were greater  
They were all bound to melt, sooner or later  
God gave us the world and said go use it  
He never said nothing ‘bout not abusin’ it  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“It wasn’t me,” said the pious evangelical  
Why must everyone be so cynical  
When I see a wrong in my line of sight  
It’s my duty to speak out and make it right   
The world’s not perfect, so it’s my job  
To make heathens listen to the word of God  
The end is coming and it’s coming soon  
Everybody better start singing my tune  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.
“It wasn’t me,” said the strict Constitutionalist  
Looking at his list of people-to-take-down-to-do list  
We’ve got laws to uphold, and goals to meet   
Getting rid of slackers would make them easier to keep  
Don’t give me that shit ‘bout the times ‘a-changin’  
It’s there in black and white, that’s all I’m saying  
The forefathers, they were quite explicit  
Read the Constitution, but don’t dare dis it   

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“Not me,” said the billionaire  
With the flaming mop of orange hair  
Some say suckers are born every minute  
My jobs to show ‘em a new way to spin it   
Tell him and show him what he wants to see  
Any of you would do it, might as well be me  
Don’t call me a pathological liar  
I’m just lighting a political fire   

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

It wasn’t us Capitalists, we just like money  
We take to it like bees to honey  
Everyone can be rich, that ain’t no secret  
Just get a good job and work hard to keep it  
If you can’t do that, and not all can  
It doesn’t hurt if your dad’s an oil man   
It isn’t money that brought down the party  
It’s those Harvard elites and other smarties  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

It wasn’t us Conservatives, that’s for sure  
We don’t even know what we’re against or for  
We do know that we like the past   
Sure wish those days could have last-ed  
Can’t a man dream of bygone days and days of yore  
Of times when twenty was recorded as a score  
Liberals are always on the go  
While we kind of like the status quo  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“It wasn’t us,” said the Tea Party idealists  
We’re patriots, we never said we were realists  
Maybe we’re old school, but we’re no dinos  
We’re just tired of dealing with RINOs  
Someone stole the government and we can’t find it  
Sure, everyone hates our butt, but we don’t mind it  
We didn’t turn the world turvy-topsy  
So don’t put us in your fuckin’ autopsy    

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“Don’t go blaming me,” said the Obama hater  
He was bound to screw up sooner or later  
Maybe he’s a Kenyan, or maybe Hawaiian  
If his lips are moving, I know he’s lying  
He went to Libya, when he shouldn’t have  
Didn’t go to Syria when he could have  
All we ever wanted was to take him down  
None of us can believe he’s still around   

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“Not me,” said the illegal Hispanic immigrant  
In a country this big, I barely leave a fingerprint  
Blame me for this, blame me for that  
All I wanted was a place to hang my hat  
I do the dirty jobs and clean your pools  
Amigo! I’ve been to college, I ain’t no fool  
Estamos en un lugar duro     (We are in a tough spot)   
Pero no somos asesinos        (But we are not killers)

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.

“It wasn’t us,” said the primary voters  
We’re just a bunch of daydreamers and hopers  
We wanted someone to speak to our fears  
To sooth our pain and wipe away our tears  
We didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt  
We like the Party, just not the jerks  
That’s not true, I guess you realize  
All we know is we sure can’t compromise  

Who killed the GOP?
I dunno. It wasn’t me.
On second thought, maybe we all share the blame  
It doesn’t matter, we’re losing just the same.  















Monday, February 22, 2016

The Apprentice

The question on everybody's lips is how did we get to this point where nothing seems to make sense anymore. The answer can be found in this unseen segment of The Apprentice 



Donald Trump sits at his desk looking very managerial, very dignified. On the other side are three tycoon wannabes, finalists who have come to present their case for why they should be the next apprentice. They are two men, Tom and Dick, and one woman, Mary. All three are young, attractive, well-dressed and appear confident. We don’t know if they are intelligent but assume they are or else they wouldn’t have gotten this far.

Their project, which they have been working on for several weeks, is to breathe life into a once great, but now failing company. The moment of truth has arrived.

“So Tom, what are you prepared to do to restore this company to greatness?”

“More than these two jerks. I can tell you that.”

Trump looks taken aback but tilts his head ever so slightly. “Well, why don’t you tell me how?”

“This company is obviously being run by people who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. They don’t understand who their customers are and don’t seem to want to know. They have to go, they have to be gone if this company stands a chance of going anywhere.”

“And who would you replace them with?”

“Better people, obviously. People who aren’t jerks. People with get up and go. The current CEO has to go, be gone, outta here. Replacing him with me will be my first priority.”

Mary wasn’t waiting for an invite.

“Tom’s half right. The idiot running the company now is running it into the ground. He’s stupid and he is surrounded by stupid people, but I don’t see how putting another stupid person in charge is going to help. Make no mistake. This company can be great again—even better than great if that’s possible and I don’t see why it wouldn’t be with great leadership, which it doesn’t have now and don’t look like it’s gonna have any time soon if Tom or Dick get the job.”

“You bitch.”

“Shut up, Dick. I’ve got this.”

“You bitch.”

Mary saw this coming. Actually, she saw both of them coming. In fact, she was waiting for them.

“Ooooh. Big tough guys. I’ll tell you what this company doesn’t need is some macho man coming in and turning everything upside down.”

“So they need a macho woman?” Asked Dick, still trying to get a word in edgewise.

“Maybe you’re not as stupid as I thought, Dick, but I gotta tell you, I thought you were pretty stupid.”

“So Mary, what is your plan?” Asked a clearly flabbergasted Trump.

“To make this company great again.”

“I know. But how?”

Mary smiled, or thought she was smiling. No one else was seeing it. Nevertheless, she was happy to have the floor.

“Other companies are taking advantage of this company left and right.”

“Left and Right? What does that mean?”

“How many times do I have to tell you to shut up, Dick?”

“It doesn’t matter, Tom, because no one is listening to you. You know, and this isn’t just me talking, but I’ve heard others...I’m not saying who because some of them are nice people but some of them...many of them don’t...okay, all of them have told me they don’t know how you made it this far. You’re lazy and conceited and don’t have the demeanor to be a leader. You’re a nice guy and I respect you but you’re a jerk. Those aren’t my words. I heard Mary call you a jerk outside in the hall before we came in. I didn’t say it, she did, but she’s right. She’s right because she’s a jerk too and it takes one to know one.”

Trump had seen enough.

“All right. All of you be quiet. I’ve heard enough. More than enough. I don’t know what you guys are thinking, but the business world doesn’t conduct itself this way. Our decisions are based on hard, indisputable facts, not innuendo.

“And we treat each other with respect. My god, the American economy is the greatest economy in the world, so we must be doing something right. Yes, this company needs help but I really haven’t heard any of you say how you were going to help it. Denigrating its leaders isn’t going to make the company great again. It doesn’t work like that. At least it’s not the way it’s supposed to work.

“A successful businessman needs to deal with other businessmen. He needs to deal with his employees. He needs to know his customers and understand their needs. All these people aren’t suckers. They aren’t going to buy into a scam just because you dressed it up to make it sound appealing.

They can recognize a fraud when he’s standing right in front of them. This is the real world, by god, and problems in the real world need real solutions. Not the rudeness, bluster and bullyism I’ve been hearing from you three. They want to hear ideas and that is what I had hoped to hear.

“I don’t know what made any of you think that this foolishness would convince me to give you a job. You’ll be lucky if I provide you with cab fare home. What I’ve heard today will never garner success in the business world. In fact, I don’t know where this sort of behavior would be rewarded.”

As he spoke those last words, his eyes seemed to open up and a snarky smile seemed to take over his pouty lips. This has happened to him before and whenever it did, he knew something good was about to happen.

“Okay, the three of you. Out. Right now. Come on, get your shit together...all your notebooks and all that other crap. We’re done here.”

“Who gets the job? You promised one of us a job.”

“Sue me. It won’t be the first time. Now get out. I have an announcement to make.”

He got the press and network news on the line. He never liked going through channels...especially not for something this important. A briefing was hastily scheduled and within the hour, a crowd had swarmed around him.

“Thank you all for coming. As you now, I am a very successful businessman...probably one of the most successful businessman to have ever lived. I’ve always enjoyed being a businessman...making deals...turning run down property into great property. It’s what I do. Well, it’s what I used to do.

“I’m announcing today that I am entering a new field. I don’t know how I will do but I think I will do well because I think I have the talent to do well. I’ve enjoyed being a businessman and I have done a great job as a businessman, but the time has come to do something different. I’m tired of the politically correct business world where everyone has to be sooo nice because they don’t want to offend someone and maybe lose a deal. That’s what you have to do in the business world but you don’t have to do it in every world. You don’t have to be politically correct in the world of politics. In fact, in politics, being politically incorrect is actually a plus. So today, I am proud to announce I’m running for president. It’s time now to make our country great again. It’s a big job but not too big for me.

“Now I’m not a politician...at least I wasn’t a politician before, but I am going to be one. I am going to be a great politician because I can do what being a great politician need to do. I will tell people what they want to hear the way they want to hear it. I will be great and I will make America great again. America doesn’t need any more stupid leaders. It certainly doesn’t need a nice leader. It needs a great leader. God bless all of you, God bless America and God bless me. Thank you.”

He turned and walked away from a thunderous crowd that obviously heard what it wanted to hear. As he did so, he turned to an aide and whispered in his ear.

“Those three idiots we just sent home...get them back. Get them back immediately. While you’re at it, see if there are any more where they came from. We’re going to need staff and plenty of them.”

  

 

 

 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

If Republicans Ruled the World

Republicans don’t like wishy-washy, lukewarm, so-so or flip-flopping. What they do like is all-in for the long run, no matter what, come hell or high water. They like taking a stand and then giving their brains the rest of the day off.

In short, Republicans like pledges.

In the past, Republican leaders have signed pledges saying they won’t raise taxes. One can pretty much assume they have signed a pledge never to take any action not first approved by the NRA. They have signed pledges during the current primary campaign to support the Republican nominee, even if it comes down to the GOP elephant in the room, no one wishes to talk about. Now in Virginia, they want Republican primary voters to sign a pledge saying they will only vote for the Republican candidate in the general election.

I can see their point.

Nothing is more disconcerting for a sports team that once commanded tremendous fan support than to find themselves losing those fans because “things ain’t going well.”

If a sports team goes from winning to losing, their fair-weather fans are the first one to leave and are slow to come back. This couldn’t happen if sports fans signed pledges the way churches make parishioners do every time they want to build a new wing.

The same goes for supermarkets and department stores. If a store is, “your friendly shopping place,” it should always be your friendly shopping place. It shouldn’t have to keep bribing its customers with deals and promotions to keep them from taking their business to that brand new store opening across the street. Not when a single loyalty oath would do the trick.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—6th Installment

President-elect Trump at Valley Forge

 

Throughout history, people have admired my letters, then my speeches, then my radio addresses and finally my tweets. People have looked to my words for inspiration and sometimes, I think, just to feel better about themselves.

I’m honored to think that just by saying something, I can make other people feel better about themselves. That is, I suppose, the mark of a great man and I recently said as much to my dear friend Dr. Seuss, who I’ve collaborated with on several occasions. I told him point blank, “I am a great man.” You can ask him. He might put it a little differently, but essentially that is what I said, “I am a great man.”

Some of my greatest moments, though, the moments I have been most proud of, and my family will back me up on this, have been those times when I didn’t say anything. I know. It’s hard to believe, but trust me.

One of those times was Christmas night in the winter of 1776. The Redcoats...and I have to say, I’m kind of a flashy guy myself in a non-threatening way but for the life of me I don’t understand bright red uniforms in a war, but anyway, the Redcoats were camped in Trenton and we were on the other side of the Delaware River in Valley Forge, freezing our asses off. You know, now that I think about it, I think they were Hessian soldiers in Trenton so forget all that stuff about Redcoats.

But we were freezing our asses off so I told Washington to stop being so stupid. I told him it was time to turn the tide of the war around. I showed him how a surprise attack would catch the Germans off-guard, which pretty much goes without saying, because that’s what a surprise attack does. Am I right? Of course, I’m right. Why wouldn’t I be? Still, I remember saying it anyway.

Even back then, I had a pretty good success rate so once I put the idea on the table, I was pretty sure Washington would see it made sense. I have this knack for these kind of things—these idea things. Anyway, Washington listened and the decision was made to sneak across the river.

Things were going good until Washington’s inexperience almost killed the whole deal.

I was in my boat, hunkered down so no one could see me when I looked over and saw the general. He was standing up in his boat in that all familiar but annoying, “hey, look at me” pose, flag unfurled behind him and I’m not sure but there might have been someone piping on a fife and someone else beating his drum.

There was another guy in another boat painting the whole scene, for what reason, I don’t know...maybe for the general’s Christmas card. I couldn’t help thinking, why don’t you just send a Currier and Ives over to tell them we’re coming.

Anyway, I signaled over to Washington to sit his ass down and stop showboating, which given that he was in a boat and putting on a show, really was showboating, in the worse way, or the best way—I dunno.

These are my thoughts on showboating. If I’m doing it and it’s called for and it’s done in good taste, it’s okay. But if someone else is doing it—I mean really? That’s just the way I feel.

The good news is that in spite of Washington’s antics, we made it across the river and caught the Hessians with their pants down.

Long story short, I went on to win the war, but the country elected Washington its first president. I think that picture had a lot to do with it because I actually have more bankruptcies than Washington has war victories. Go figure.

As a businessman, I can certainly understand the art of self-promotion. I’ve got to hand it to him. That picture was huge.

Nevertheless, I swore to myself that day that I would never let another man—whether it be some bum on the corner or the father of our country—get the better of me.   

Sunday, November 15, 2015

President Trump Throughout History - 5th Installment

President Trump announces moon landing

“Usually, announcements from the Rose Garden take place during the day and announcements at night come from my Oval Office. However as you know, there’s nothing usual about anything I do.

“I’m doing things a little differently tonight because I’m making a very special, very huge announcement. If you look over my shoulder, you’ll see a full moon shining behind me. I don’t know which shoulder but its’s one of them. I suppose if I stood in just the right spot, that moon would almost look like a halo to some of you. I don’t know what that would mean although I suppose it would mean something but that’s for you to decide.

“Anyway, what I wanted to say, and I thought out here under this beautiful moon was the only place to do justice to what I want to say, is that today or tonight—I don’t know what it is on the moon but sometime in the last 24 hours my country has landed some men on the moon. I don’t know how many exactly...I’ve been told two and I have no reason to doubt them but it could be more or it could be less...I do know it’s at least one. If it isn’t, then somebody has some explaining to do but I’m sure it’s at least one, and probably two men that have landed on the moon, which you can see right there over my shoulder.

“I hope I’m standing in the right spot because I sure it’s a spectacular sight to see.

“Another president said we would land a man on the moon but frankly I don’t think he knew how the hell we were going to do it, and it probably wouldn’t have gotten done—it might have but I don’t think so—unless I was here to see it get done.

“As you know, there is no one better at completing big projects. I have huge hotels and casinos everywhere but even I have to admit this is really huge.

“Landing two men on the moon—and I have in fact been told that it was two men. I guess there are three men up there so I don’t know why the third man didn’t land on the moon...maybe he just didn’t want to because there are a lot of people who simply don’t recognize opportunity when they see it, but even landing just two men is really huge.

“As president, I promise to find out why the third man didn’t also land on the moon because being accountable to me is one of the demands I make of these brave men in the space movement. All I can say is he better have been really sick or he’ll be out so fast he won’t know what hit him.

“I’ve just been handed a paper containing the first words spoken by the first man on the moon. It’s pretty good. Here’s what he said.

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

“Does that sound right? I dunno. It sounds like he was trying to hog all the credit because weren’t there two men. What did the other guy say? I suppose it doesn’t matter.

“All I would add is, it hasn’t been a bad day for Trump either.

“Good night. God bless America and me—and the man or men on the moon. I’m only kidding about the man on the moon. Well maybe not...I guess now there is a man on the moon...or two...I dunno.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—4th Installment

President Trump addresses the 1st Woman’s Rights Convention

in 1848 in Seneca Falls, New York

 

“I am very happy to be able to speak to you ladies today. It’s not as if I didn’t have other things to do. My staff tells me Europe is ripping apart at the seams, even as we speak. I’m guessing immigrants will be knocking at our door and in some cases breaking that door down. That’s okay as long as they follow the rules, although I suppose breaking the door down is against the rules, or should be.

“What I’m trying to say is, if we’re going to be letting all these rabble-rousers and trouble makers in...and some of them might be good people but the odds are—and being a casino man, I know something about odds—but the odds are pretty good that some of them will be bad or at least not as good as they should be.

“So if we’re going to let them all in or some of them in, we ought to first take care of our women folk, who have been here from, I’m guessing, as early as when the Mayflower landed.

“As most of you know, women would be hard-pressed to find a more loyal ally than me. Not that you’re going to need my help in this struggle. I was talking to Suzi Anthony a little earlier—and I hope no one takes this the wrong way—but there’s a woman that looks like she can handle herself in a street fight. I’m not saying she ain’t pretty, all I’m saying is she looks ready—if you know what I mean.

“And what about Lucretia Mott, named, my staff tells me, after that Roman matron who was supposedly raped and then committed suicide, and I’m thinking what parent names their kid after someone like that. Talk about being born under a bad sign. Personally, I like traditional names like Ivanka or Barron or The Donald.

“Anyway, I think woman suffrage is a good thing if it means no more suffering and if it doesn’t mean what I think it means than I don’t know why you gals got your panties all tied in a knot over what now, as I look at it deeper, is a pretty confusing name. But this whole woman-voting thing is such a radical idea that I’m kind of liking it the more I think about it and I’ve been thinking about it for...help me out someone...how long have I been up here? Five minutes? Really? I dunno, it seems a lot longer.

“Anyway, if I could, I have just one suggestion. Take it or leave it, but take it from me...take it. I know what I’m talking about.

“So this is my point. Why Seneca Falls? I mean you gals couldn’t find a more obscure place to hold a rally unless you held it on some desolate cornfield in the middle of Iowa. I don’t know if you’ll be having any more rallies. My guess is this suffering woman line you’re pushing isn’t going to go away overnight even if it is already getting old fast.

“We have a saying in the real estate business. Location, location, location. I gotta tell you, from what I’ve seen, Seneca Falls isn’t the location you’re looking for. Frankly, I don’t think it’s a location anyone in their right mind is looking for.

“That said, I think I can help you girls and what girl doesn’t need a man’s helping hand when the times get rough? I’m opening a brand new hotel, right on the oceanfront in a town that no one has ever heard of but believe me, everyone will be talking about it now that I’m there.

“They’ll be a huge hall where you gals can get together and not only do your business but also do your nails. You can kick back in a luxurious lounge or walk the boardwalk or just relax in our beautiful spa. That’s right, Suzi. Thirty minutes in that spa will do you a world of good. Did I mention the Continental breakfast?

“Sure you have complaints. Who doesn’t? Well, I don’t but that’s just me, but you gals can showcase those gripes in a beautiful setting where not only you, but everyone listening to you can feel better about themselves. Believe me, the first step in getting better is feeling great. And I have never felt greater, or better, or better than great, which I don’t know if there is such a thing but if there is, I’m there.

“God Bless America, me and women.”