Wednesday, November 18, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—6th Installment

President-elect Trump at Valley Forge


Throughout history, people have admired my letters, then my speeches, then my radio addresses and finally my tweets. People have looked to my words for inspiration and sometimes, I think, just to feel better about themselves.

I’m honored to think that just by saying something, I can make other people feel better about themselves. That is, I suppose, the mark of a great man and I recently said as much to my dear friend Dr. Seuss, who I’ve collaborated with on several occasions. I told him point blank, “I am a great man.” You can ask him. He might put it a little differently, but essentially that is what I said, “I am a great man.”

Some of my greatest moments, though, the moments I have been most proud of, and my family will back me up on this, have been those times when I didn’t say anything. I know. It’s hard to believe, but trust me.

One of those times was Christmas night in the winter of 1776. The Redcoats...and I have to say, I’m kind of a flashy guy myself in a non-threatening way but for the life of me I don’t understand bright red uniforms in a war, but anyway, the Redcoats were camped in Trenton and we were on the other side of the Delaware River in Valley Forge, freezing our asses off. You know, now that I think about it, I think they were Hessian soldiers in Trenton so forget all that stuff about Redcoats.

But we were freezing our asses off so I told Washington to stop being so stupid. I told him it was time to turn the tide of the war around. I showed him how a surprise attack would catch the Germans off-guard, which pretty much goes without saying, because that’s what a surprise attack does. Am I right? Of course, I’m right. Why wouldn’t I be? Still, I remember saying it anyway.

Even back then, I had a pretty good success rate so once I put the idea on the table, I was pretty sure Washington would see it made sense. I have this knack for these kind of things—these idea things. Anyway, Washington listened and the decision was made to sneak across the river.

Things were going good until Washington’s inexperience almost killed the whole deal.

I was in my boat, hunkered down so no one could see me when I looked over and saw the general. He was standing up in his boat in that all familiar but annoying, “hey, look at me” pose, flag unfurled behind him and I’m not sure but there might have been someone piping on a fife and someone else beating his drum.

There was another guy in another boat painting the whole scene, for what reason, I don’t know...maybe for the general’s Christmas card. I couldn’t help thinking, why don’t you just send a Currier and Ives over to tell them we’re coming.

Anyway, I signaled over to Washington to sit his ass down and stop showboating, which given that he was in a boat and putting on a show, really was showboating, in the worse way, or the best way—I dunno.

These are my thoughts on showboating. If I’m doing it and it’s called for and it’s done in good taste, it’s okay. But if someone else is doing it—I mean really? That’s just the way I feel.

The good news is that in spite of Washington’s antics, we made it across the river and caught the Hessians with their pants down.

Long story short, I went on to win the war, but the country elected Washington its first president. I think that picture had a lot to do with it because I actually have more bankruptcies than Washington has war victories. Go figure.

As a businessman, I can certainly understand the art of self-promotion. I’ve got to hand it to him. That picture was huge.

Nevertheless, I swore to myself that day that I would never let another man—whether it be some bum on the corner or the father of our country—get the better of me.   

Sunday, November 15, 2015

President Trump Throughout History - 5th Installment

President Trump announces moon landing

“Usually, announcements from the Rose Garden take place during the day and announcements at night come from my Oval Office. However as you know, there’s nothing usual about anything I do.

“I’m doing things a little differently tonight because I’m making a very special, very huge announcement. If you look over my shoulder, you’ll see a full moon shining behind me. I don’t know which shoulder but its’s one of them. I suppose if I stood in just the right spot, that moon would almost look like a halo to some of you. I don’t know what that would mean although I suppose it would mean something but that’s for you to decide.

“Anyway, what I wanted to say, and I thought out here under this beautiful moon was the only place to do justice to what I want to say, is that today or tonight—I don’t know what it is on the moon but sometime in the last 24 hours my country has landed some men on the moon. I don’t know how many exactly...I’ve been told two and I have no reason to doubt them but it could be more or it could be less...I do know it’s at least one. If it isn’t, then somebody has some explaining to do but I’m sure it’s at least one, and probably two men that have landed on the moon, which you can see right there over my shoulder.

“I hope I’m standing in the right spot because I sure it’s a spectacular sight to see.

“Another president said we would land a man on the moon but frankly I don’t think he knew how the hell we were going to do it, and it probably wouldn’t have gotten done—it might have but I don’t think so—unless I was here to see it get done.

“As you know, there is no one better at completing big projects. I have huge hotels and casinos everywhere but even I have to admit this is really huge.

“Landing two men on the moon—and I have in fact been told that it was two men. I guess there are three men up there so I don’t know why the third man didn’t land on the moon...maybe he just didn’t want to because there are a lot of people who simply don’t recognize opportunity when they see it, but even landing just two men is really huge.

“As president, I promise to find out why the third man didn’t also land on the moon because being accountable to me is one of the demands I make of these brave men in the space movement. All I can say is he better have been really sick or he’ll be out so fast he won’t know what hit him.

“I’ve just been handed a paper containing the first words spoken by the first man on the moon. It’s pretty good. Here’s what he said.

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

“Does that sound right? I dunno. It sounds like he was trying to hog all the credit because weren’t there two men. What did the other guy say? I suppose it doesn’t matter.

“All I would add is, it hasn’t been a bad day for Trump either.

“Good night. God bless America and me—and the man or men on the moon. I’m only kidding about the man on the moon. Well maybe not...I guess now there is a man on the moon...or two...I dunno.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—4th Installment

President Trump addresses the 1st Woman’s Rights Convention

in 1848 in Seneca Falls, New York


“I am very happy to be able to speak to you ladies today. It’s not as if I didn’t have other things to do. My staff tells me Europe is ripping apart at the seams, even as we speak. I’m guessing immigrants will be knocking at our door and in some cases breaking that door down. That’s okay as long as they follow the rules, although I suppose breaking the door down is against the rules, or should be.

“What I’m trying to say is, if we’re going to be letting all these rabble-rousers and trouble makers in...and some of them might be good people but the odds are—and being a casino man, I know something about odds—but the odds are pretty good that some of them will be bad or at least not as good as they should be.

“So if we’re going to let them all in or some of them in, we ought to first take care of our women folk, who have been here from, I’m guessing, as early as when the Mayflower landed.

“As most of you know, women would be hard-pressed to find a more loyal ally than me. Not that you’re going to need my help in this struggle. I was talking to Suzi Anthony a little earlier—and I hope no one takes this the wrong way—but there’s a woman that looks like she can handle herself in a street fight. I’m not saying she ain’t pretty, all I’m saying is she looks ready—if you know what I mean.

“And what about Lucretia Mott, named, my staff tells me, after that Roman matron who was supposedly raped and then committed suicide, and I’m thinking what parent names their kid after someone like that. Talk about being born under a bad sign. Personally, I like traditional names like Ivanka or Barron or The Donald.

“Anyway, I think woman suffrage is a good thing if it means no more suffering and if it doesn’t mean what I think it means than I don’t know why you gals got your panties all tied in a knot over what now, as I look at it deeper, is a pretty confusing name. But this whole woman-voting thing is such a radical idea that I’m kind of liking it the more I think about it and I’ve been thinking about it me out long have I been up here? Five minutes? Really? I dunno, it seems a lot longer.

“Anyway, if I could, I have just one suggestion. Take it or leave it, but take it from me...take it. I know what I’m talking about.

“So this is my point. Why Seneca Falls? I mean you gals couldn’t find a more obscure place to hold a rally unless you held it on some desolate cornfield in the middle of Iowa. I don’t know if you’ll be having any more rallies. My guess is this suffering woman line you’re pushing isn’t going to go away overnight even if it is already getting old fast.

“We have a saying in the real estate business. Location, location, location. I gotta tell you, from what I’ve seen, Seneca Falls isn’t the location you’re looking for. Frankly, I don’t think it’s a location anyone in their right mind is looking for.

“That said, I think I can help you girls and what girl doesn’t need a man’s helping hand when the times get rough? I’m opening a brand new hotel, right on the oceanfront in a town that no one has ever heard of but believe me, everyone will be talking about it now that I’m there.

“They’ll be a huge hall where you gals can get together and not only do your business but also do your nails. You can kick back in a luxurious lounge or walk the boardwalk or just relax in our beautiful spa. That’s right, Suzi. Thirty minutes in that spa will do you a world of good. Did I mention the Continental breakfast?

“Sure you have complaints. Who doesn’t? Well, I don’t but that’s just me, but you gals can showcase those gripes in a beautiful setting where not only you, but everyone listening to you can feel better about themselves. Believe me, the first step in getting better is feeling great. And I have never felt greater, or better, or better than great, which I don’t know if there is such a thing but if there is, I’m there.

“God Bless America, me and women.”



Saturday, November 7, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—3rd Installment

President Trump at the Berlin Wall

“Ich bin ein Berliner.”

A huge roar erupts from the crowd that seems to catch even the president by surprise. After several minutes, he speaks.

“Thank you. Thank you. That’s very nice of you. I don’t even know what that means but someone on my staff said it would draw a huge response and I guess he knew what he was talking about, even as it turns out, I didn’t know what I was talking about.

“They’ll be a little something extra in that man’s paycheck come the end of the month, and when I say a little something extra, you can bet it will be a big something extra because I don’t do anything little. I don’t even understand how a little can be extra. Doesn’t extra mean more?

“Anyway, I’m here today to talk about this wall, and I gotta say, this is the ugliest wall I’ve ever seen. I’ve looked all over and I can’t find a name anywhere.

“Who builds a wall this huge and doesn’t put his name on it?

“I’ll tell you who. Someone who isn’t proud of it. That’s who. And I don’t blame him. This is the drabbest, ugliest, most depressing structure I’ve ever seen, since the time I had to level half of Atlantic City to put up my Trump Casino.

“As I look at the bleak tenements and broken infrastructure on the other side of this wall, I wonder if its purpose isn’t so much to keep people in as to keep them out.”

Another aide whispers something in President Trump’s ear.

“I’ve just been informed that the purpose of this wall, indeed the only purpose of this wall, is to keep East Berliners in East Berlin. Well, that explains a lot but it doesn’t explain everything.

“It still doesn’t explain why it has to be so ugly. All the barbed wire and graffiti and holes boarded up with broken doors and ugly rock piles. And the landscaping. Don’t even get me started on the landscaping.

“I mean, if you’re going to build a wall, even a wall serving a bad purpose, it just doesn’t make sense not to take some pride in it. No one ever said a bad wall can’t at least look good. A paint job wouldn’t hurt it.

“Whoever is in charge of this wall and I assume someone is in charge—I’ve just been handed a paper with someone’s name on it. Really? Garbo...Gorba...Gorbachechowicz...looks like Gorba the Greek to me...”

The same person whispers something else in President Trump’s ear.

“I’m told his name is Gorbachev. That doesn’t even sound German to me. Whatever. I guess when in Berlin, do as the Romans would do.

“Anyway, all I’d like to say to this Gorbachev fella—if in fact that is his name—is this.

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Tear it down and put up a new one—one that Germans on both sides of it can be proud of and I wouldn't be embarrassed to stand next to.”

Friday, November 6, 2015

President Trump Throughout History—2nd Installment

President Trump announces the Louisiana Purchase

“Today, I am happy to announce a really big deal—one of the biggest deals I have ever made and I’ve made some pretty big deals. Those of you who know me well and I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t know me well because I’m always out there for everyone to see. I’m not one to shy away from the spotlight. Maybe I don’t know everyone but I’m pretty sure everyone knows me...anyway, before I get too far off track, like I said, today I’m announcing a really huge deal. It’s so huge—and people know I only do really big deals, but this deal is so huge I’m not even going to call it a Trump deal because I really don’t have to. People are going to call it a Trump deal anyway.

“Besides, there are plenty enough deals to call Trump deals, so I ain’t worried. But this deal is so huge that I’m going to call it—and you have my permission to call it this hard feelings. I’m calling this deal the Louisiana Purchase.

“No one in the whole history of deal making has gotten so much for so little. By the way, I certainly didn’t start the history of deal making but I did write the book on it. I will say this. Deals have been going on forever but they didn’t start getting huge until I started making them.

“I love you too. Someone out there just couldn’t help himself and I appreciate that.

“So I know people will want to know how a deal this huge went down and I’m going to tell you. The simple truth, without throwing a lot of gobbly-gook details out there that even I would have a hard time explaining—or understanding for that matter—if I didn’t have the best deal makers in the world working for me. I simply told them to go out and make the best deal ever and that’s usually all anyone has to hear if they know what’s good for them.

“No huge deal is easy. If they were, they wouldn’t be huge. To make this deal a reality, I had to go up against one of the most powerful men in the world. He’s not as powerful as me and I’m sure he knows that now, but he still has a lot going for him. I don’t want him to feel too bad because I might need to make another deal with him in the future.

“I have to say this Napoleon feller probably thinks a little bit more highly of himself than he should because he has all those medals hanging from his shirt, which I’ve been told, most of them he gave to himself. Frankly, I don’t believe in medals because if you have to go around tooting your own horn, how good can you really be? I’ve always said, you do something, you put your name on it so everyone knows who did it and that should be all the credit anyone needs. You don’t need medals. If someone sees something with my name on it and they like it, that’s not tooting my own horn because that’s someone else tooting my own horn. I will say this, I hear a lot of tooting everywhere I go.

“In fairness to this Napoleon, he does seem to have a lot on his plate right now and many would say this is a good thing. Many of them would sometimes be right. But maybe he has too much going on. I’ve been making deals, usually unusually huge deals, since before this Napoleon guy was a whore’s son scavenging around the streets of Corsica for his next meal. It didn’t take me long to figure out that he seemed a little bit tired...I don’t know if overwhelmed is the word, but what the heck, I’m just putting it out there. He seemed a little bit distracted by everything going on and it didn’t take me long to discover he was also pretty cash strapped. The third strike he had going against him was he didn’t have a clue about what he had in the first place.

“He had half the empires in Europe under his thumb and must have decided he didn’t need something as insignificant as a territory.

“Once I recognized this, I said to Napoleon, ‘Come on down.’

“To his credit, and I believe in giving credit where credit is due—the opportunities just don’t come up that often—Napoleon answered my call.

“Before he knew what hit him, I had bought the richest piece of landscape this side of Fifth Avenue for nothing more than chump change, which is almost as good a deal as when we got Manhattan for a handful of trinkets, which I suppose I could have done better but even I can’t do everything.

“Anyway, talk about a deal, and believe me, people will be talking about Trump’s purchase—oops, my bad—about this Louisiana Purchase for years to come.”



Thursday, November 5, 2015

President Trump Throughout History

President Trump announces a new government

“Well, I told you I’d do it and I did it. Our country finally has a Constitution and I can honestly say, it’s a lot better than the last one we had and I’m guessing you know who to thank. You’re welcome.

“A lot of good men came together with many good ideas—and a few bad ones, but that’s okay because the good news is I was there to keep an eye on them. I know how to make a deal. I know how to get results.

“Speaking of results, I’ve looked at the final product and I have to say—and this isn’t boasting because as I’ve said before, it’s not boasting if it’s true. I don’t know what you’d call it—maybe toasting—truesting without the rue because I never rue anything—and some other stuff thrown in there...oa...I dunno what that’s all about.

“Anyway, what I’m saying is this final product—and I’m going to call it a Constitution...I don’t know what others will call it, but I think Constitution is appropriate. I have to say it came out pretty much the way I thought it would when I got into these talks. And I really mean it when I say these were all good men and I don’t want to hog the attention.

“I’ll only say, I did steer them in the right direction because that’s what great leaders do and great leaders get great results. I think anyone reading this document will agree, it is a really great document and I’m just happy to have played a role—some will say a big role—I’ll just say a role and leave it to others to say how big a role I played, but if they say a big role they won’t be wrong.”