Thursday, July 21, 2016

Let's Look at the Big Map

The best part of the conventions is knowing that the primaries are over. No longer will I have to listen to some computer nerd say: Let’s look at the big map

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m tired of looking at the big map. I’m tired of being told what this candidate or that candidate needs to wins in order to beat this other candidate or that other candidate.

“If A picks up 23 delegates in this state and 36 delegates in that state and B loses 13 delegates in a state where he should win all 27 delegates, and if A is able to gather at least half the votes in the sixth quadrant of the fourth district, then there is an outside chance that A will win the nomination with a slim margin of one delegate—unless that delegate goes rogue and votes for B, or writes in C  on his ballot...or D...or E...or well, you can see the list is endless.”

My question is, where do these analyst go in off-election years? I know where I’d like to tell them to go, but where do they actually go.

My guess is almost anywhere because obviously, no one is paying any attention to them. The scenarios are as endless as robo-calls. Here’s one.

“As your personal trainer, this is my advice to you if you really want to lose five pounds. We have to get your daily calorie count down to 2500. Say your current breakfast calorie intake is 900 and your lunch time calorie count is 1300 and your dinner tally is around 1800, give or take an extra helping of mashed potatoes. 

“What I’d like to suggest is we get your breakfast down to 400 and your lunch down to let’s say 900. If we can do that, then you can get away with a 1200 dinner, assuming you don’t give in to that ice cream craving just before bedtime.

“I suspect that you won’t be able to resist that craving and you are probably going to wind up with anywhere from a 900 to 1500-calorie surplus before you hit the sack. That’s the bad news because for some reason calories multiply like rabbits when we’re asleep. The good news is if, while watching your favorite night time TV shows, you jog in place during all the commercial breaks, you can knock off anywhere from 600 to 1200 calories. This may or may not leave you over your mark, so if you think you can’t avoid that Rocky Road disaster, you can probably go with a 200-calorie breakfast, a 700-calorie lunch and a 1000-calorie dinner.

“Or, you can skip breakfast entirely, go for a morning walk, and have your normal night time snack and maybe even sneak in a cookie along the way. The key is to never lose sight of your goal and your goal won’t lose sight of you.”

Here’s another.

“Johnny, as your guidance counselor, it is my job to get you through your freshman year. Now I’ve looked at your grades up this point and taken into account the exams you still have facing you as well as the extra point opportunities that are available to you. I know all this looks complicated but bear with me. If you could just turn your attention to the big board.

“That’s right. It’s a black board. This is school not prime time TV.

“Now, these are your grades to this point. Math—test scores of 85, 57, and 78 and a mid-semester exam of 76. Science—35 and 46 on your labs, 32 and 66 on your tests, and 58 on your midterm. You have two demerits for missed assignments and two bonus points for cleaning the glass flasks. In English, you have pass, pass, pass, fail, pass, did not turn in, and pass. In Civics you’ve earned good, good, could be better, could be worse, I dunno.

“Okay, it looks like we have our work cut out for us. Math seems to be going well but you have to stay with it. I don’t see how you can pass science unless you clean a whole lot more flasks. You can’t afford to miss any more assignments but this is where it gets tough because from the looks of your lab scores, you also can’t afford to do any more assignments.

“Looking at your English results, I think you might be able to skip a couple of assignments, don’t hand them in but rather spend the time on math. This way, if you do wind up losing science, you’ll have enough of a cushion in math that no one will notice.

“I’ve looked at your civic results and to be honest, I dunno either.”

The good news for me is mid-terms are right around the corner. Good luck. See ya in junior year.