President
Trump announces the Louisiana Purchase
“Today,
I am happy to announce a really big deal—one of the biggest deals I have ever
made and I’ve made some pretty big deals. Those of you who know me well and I
can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t know me well because I’m always out there
for everyone to see. I’m not one to shy away from the spotlight. Maybe I don’t
know everyone but I’m pretty sure everyone knows me...anyway, before I get too
far off track, like I said, today I’m announcing a really huge deal. It’s so
huge—and people know I only do really big deals, but this deal is so huge I’m
not even going to call it a Trump deal because I really don’t have to. People
are going to call it a Trump deal anyway.
“Besides,
there are plenty enough deals to call Trump deals, so I ain’t worried. But this
deal is so huge that I’m going to call it—and you have my permission to call it
this too...no hard feelings. I’m calling this deal the Louisiana Purchase.
“No one in
the whole history of deal making has gotten so much for so little. By the way,
I certainly didn’t start the history of deal making but I did write the book on
it. I will say this. Deals have been going on forever but they didn’t start
getting huge until I started making them.
“I love you
too. Someone out there just couldn’t help himself and I appreciate that.
“So I know
people will want to know how a deal this huge went down and I’m going to tell
you. The simple truth, without throwing a lot of gobbly-gook details out there
that even I would have a hard time explaining—or understanding for that
matter—if I didn’t have the best deal makers in the world working for me. I
simply told them to go out and make the best deal ever and that’s usually all
anyone has to hear if they know what’s good for them.
“No huge
deal is easy. If they were, they wouldn’t be huge. To make this deal a reality,
I had to go up against one of the most powerful men in the world. He’s not as
powerful as me and I’m sure he knows that now, but he still has a lot going for
him. I don’t want him to feel too bad because I might need to make another deal
with him in the future.
“I have to
say this Napoleon feller probably thinks a little bit more highly of himself
than he should because he has all those medals hanging from his shirt, which
I’ve been told, most of them he gave to himself. Frankly, I don’t believe in
medals because if you have to go around tooting your own horn, how good can you
really be? I’ve always said, you do something, you put your name on it so
everyone knows who did it and that should be all the credit anyone needs. You
don’t need medals. If someone sees something with my name on it and they like
it, that’s not tooting my own horn because that’s someone else tooting my own
horn. I will say this, I hear a lot of tooting everywhere I go.
“In fairness
to this Napoleon, he does seem to have a lot on his plate right now and many
would say this is a good thing. Many of them would sometimes be right. But
maybe he has too much going on. I’ve been making deals, usually unusually huge
deals, since before this Napoleon guy was a whore’s son scavenging around the
streets of Corsica for his next meal. It didn’t take me long to figure out that
he seemed a little bit tired...I don’t know if overwhelmed is the word, but
what the heck, I’m just putting it out there. He seemed a little bit distracted
by everything going on and it didn’t take me long to discover he was also
pretty cash strapped. The third strike he had going against him was he didn’t
have a clue about what he had in the first place.
“He had half
the empires in Europe under his thumb and must have decided he didn’t need
something as insignificant as a territory.
“Once I
recognized this, I said to Napoleon, ‘Come on down.’
“To
his credit, and I believe in giving credit where credit is due—the
opportunities just don’t come up that often—Napoleon answered my call.
“Before he
knew what hit him, I had bought the richest piece of landscape this side of
Fifth Avenue for nothing more than chump change, which is almost as good a deal
as when we got Manhattan for a handful of trinkets, which I suppose I could
have done better but even I can’t do everything.
“Anyway, talk
about a deal, and believe me, people will be talking about Trump’s
purchase—oops, my bad—about this Louisiana Purchase for years to come.”
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