President Trump presents a fireide chat

I’m speaking to you from this very amazing house that you people have just given me...I guess, to show your warm appreciation and deep affection for me because of all the really great things I will continue to promise to do for you. You can’t see it, but I am sitting in front of a truly amazing fireplace that is pumping out so much heat and although I know, it is very cold outside and maybe for some of you, very cold inside, but I have to say I am feeling very, very, very good.

And that is what I wanted to talk to you about tonight. Some of you, I know, are not feeling as good as I am about the way everything is going. It is no accident that my life is very good because I work very hard, am very smart, very good looking in a non-threatening way, and make really great decisions. God is probably looking out for me because I have always felt very special and I think if there is a God, and why should there be...oops...I meant to say why shouldn’t there be. Anyway, I think He would probably take a special interest in special people.

I know some of you are sitting in your living rooms in front of much smaller fireplaces than the one I’m sitting in front of. Some of you might not even have a fireplace. You are probably sitting in front of a space heater.

Excuse me. Somebody is trying to get my attention. Can’t you see I’m talking to the...what’s that? Oh. I’ve just been told to tell any of you who might be sitting in front of a space heater, to keep it away from your flammable curtains.

That’s what I don’t like. What ever happened to being able to put a space heater any place you wanted without the government telling you where to put it?

If it was up to me—and it should be since I am the government—but I would let you put the space heater anywhere you wanted. Maybe some houses would catch fire and maybe others would not, but isn’t that what living in a free country is all about?

Anyway, before I was distracted by that man who I guarantee will be out of a job as soon as I’m finished here, I was going to add that there’s a good chance some of you are hungry because you didn’t get enough to eat tonight. I won’t tell what I had to eat tonight, because you wouldn’t believe me, anyway, but believe me, it was unbelievable. What else is unbelievable is that I’ve been told, tomorrow’s meal is going to be even more amazing than today’s. That’s what they tell me. Unbelievable.

The point of this little talk I’m having with all of you, as I sit in front of this big fireplace after eating that fabulous meal, is that I understand many of you are afraid. 

You’re afraid of losing your jobs, afraid of losing your homes, afraid that you will slog along in your miserable existence and no one will ever recognize how truly amazing you are, which I’m sure many—not all—but certainly many of you are. Maybe not as amazing as me, but I’ve always said, amazing is as amazing does and I have done some amazing things. Nevertheless, I know many of you are afraid.

Some of you might even be afraid of those space heaters. You should be.

I don’t know what it is like to be afraid because I have never been afraid. I don’t think I have ever even been leery or skittish—although once, I had a doubt. It didn’t last nearly as long as it could have and sometimes I even doubt if I even had it at all.

I’m afraid many of you out there don’t possess the amazing self-confidence that I have been blessed with. I’m afraid that’s what makes many of you are afraid.

I just realized that I just said I am afraid of something even though technically I wasn’t really saying I was afraid of something although technically, I guess, that’s exactly what I said—that I was afraid of something.

I never thought I would ever say I was afraid of anything but I’m afraid that just goes to show how easy it can be sometimes to be afraid of something even when you’re not afraid of anything.

There was a long pause. The silence caused many listeners across the nation, who were bundled up in their parlors to think aliens may have invaded our planet adding one more thing for most of them to be scared about.

I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what happened just now, but for a moment there, I was almost afraid to say anything. Then I was afraid not to say something. And then, frankly, I’m afraid I didn’t have anything to say.

There was another long pause.

I’m beginning to fear that the only thing we have to fear—and obviously, I fear it—is saying the word afraid, which is weird because I’m afraid I can’t stop saying it.

I’m afraid I just did it again.

This was supposed to be a really huge pep talk. I’m afraid it’s not working. My biggest fear is that there can’t be much hope for all you people out there, if someone as smart and powerful as me, someone sitting in front of a huge fireplace in a huge house is having this much trouble trying not to show fear.

I believe there is a lesson to be learned about fear here, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is. That’s a shame because I think it would be a fabulous lesson and one of the most inspirational things I have ever said. I’m afraid I just don’t get it. And if I don’t get it, you folks aren’t going to get it—and you can take that to the bank—when they open—if they open.

***

Is the mike off? It is. Good. Hey you...yeah you. Before I fire you, see if there’s a pretty girl in the house to share this beautiful fireplace. A house this big...there ought to be a pretty girl somewhere.

That fireside talk I just gave was a real crapper, but that doesn’t mean the whole night has to be a bust.


This excerpt is from "Trump Dismantles Washington." https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Dismantles-Washington-little-friends/dp/1725801744/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1537748324&sr=1-1&keywords=trump+dismantle+washington