President Trump
addresses the 1st Woman’s Rights Convention
in 1848 in Seneca
Falls, New York
“I
am very happy to be able to speak to you ladies today. It’s not as if I didn’t
have other things to do. My staff tells me Europe is ripping apart at the seams,
even as we speak. I’m guessing immigrants will be knocking at our door and in
some cases breaking that door down. That’s okay as long as they follow the
rules, although I suppose breaking the door down is against the rules, or
should be.
“What
I’m trying to say is, if we’re going to be letting all these rabble-rousers and
trouble makers in...and some of them might be good people but the odds are—and
being a casino man, I know something about odds—but the odds are pretty good
that some of them will be bad or at least not as good as they should be.
“So
if we’re going to let them all in or some of them in, we ought to first take
care of our women folk, who have been here from, I’m guessing, as early as when
the Mayflower landed.
“As
most of you know, women would be hard-pressed to find a more loyal ally than
me. Not that you’re going to need my help in this struggle. I was talking to
Suzi Anthony a little earlier—and I hope no one takes this the wrong way—but
there’s a woman that looks like she can handle herself in a street fight. I’m
not saying she ain’t pretty, all I’m saying is she looks ready—if you know what
I mean.
“And
what about Lucretia Mott, named, my staff tells me, after that Roman matron who
was supposedly raped and then committed suicide, and I’m thinking what parent
names their kid after someone like that. Talk about being born under a bad
sign. Personally, I like traditional names like Ivanka or Barron or The Donald.
“Anyway,
I think woman suffrage is a good thing if it means no more suffering and if it
doesn’t mean what I think it means than I don’t know why you gals got your
panties all tied in a knot over what now, as I look at it deeper, is a pretty
confusing name. But this whole woman-voting thing is such a radical idea that
I’m kind of liking it the more I think about it and I’ve been thinking about it
for...help me out someone...how long have I been up here? Five minutes? Really?
I dunno, it seems a lot longer.
“Anyway,
if I could, I have just one suggestion. Take it or leave it, but take it from
me...take it. I know what I’m talking about.
“So this
is my point. Why Seneca Falls? I mean you gals couldn’t find a more obscure place
to hold a rally unless you held it on some desolate cornfield in the middle of
Iowa. I don’t know if you’ll be having any more rallies. My guess is this
suffering woman line you’re pushing isn’t going to go away overnight even if it
is already getting old fast.
“We
have a saying in the real estate business. Location, location, location. I
gotta tell you, from what I’ve seen, Seneca Falls isn’t the location you’re
looking for. Frankly, I don’t think it’s a location anyone in their right mind is
looking for.
“That
said, I think I can help you girls and what girl doesn’t need a man’s helping
hand when the times get rough? I’m opening a brand new hotel, right on the
oceanfront in a town that no one has ever heard of but believe me, everyone
will be talking about it now that I’m there.
“They’ll
be a huge hall where you gals can get together and not only do your business
but also do your nails. You can kick back in a luxurious lounge or walk the
boardwalk or just relax in our beautiful spa. That’s right, Suzi. Thirty minutes
in that spa will do you a world of good. Did I mention the Continental
breakfast?
“Sure
you have complaints. Who doesn’t? Well, I don’t but that’s just me, but you
gals can showcase those gripes in a beautiful setting where not only you, but
everyone listening to you can feel better about themselves. Believe me, the
first step in getting better is feeling great. And I have never felt greater,
or better, or better than great, which I don’t know if there is such a thing
but if there is, I’m there.
“God
Bless America, me and women.”
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