Republicans Take a Look at Day and Night—and don’t like what they see

Today, Republicans in the halls of Congress have taken a stance on the controversial issue of day and night. Early this morning, shortly after daybreak, Republican leaders convened behind closed doors before emerging moments later to speak to reporters.

“We don’t like the day,” said one.

“We used to like it; the way it used to be; but we don’t like it anymore.”

“Too light,” added another.

“Too bright,” said a fourth, grabbing the mike and staring straight into the camera.

The chorus continued.

“Why can’t we go back to the way it was?”

“You mean go back to” a reporter began but was cut short.

“I mean go back to last night.”

“Well, it will be night soon, if you could just wait—”

“I don’t want to wait. I want to go back to the dark days of last night, right now.”

“I think you mean the dark night of yester day, Senator. Not the dark days.”

That’s the way it went all day long as Democrats tried to convince Republicans that everything would be all right if they were patient and allowed nature to take its course. And Republicans rambled on about how good the night was in the good old days—last night.

A hearing was convened on the spot because there was no time to waste. The day was slipping away. Irony replaced lunacy for a short time as scientists tried to convince Republicans that day and night was something we really did have no control over.

“That's just the way it is,” said an elitist scientist from one of those Ivy League schools.

“Well, I like the way it was,” said the Senator who chaired the science subcommittee. He pointed out with certainty that if Washington and Jefferson were alive today, they would agree with him.”

The snooty scientist looked snootily at the Senator. “If Washington and Jefferson were alive today, Senator, I'm almost positive they'd kill themselves.”

“Do you know who you’re talking to, boy? I happen to be a United States Senator. No other Senator in the world can say that. I’ll be damned if some little pipsqueak scientist from some hoity-toity fly-by-night college is going to tell me I can’t do something about something I want to do something about.”

Colleagues from the other side of the aisle tried to reason with the Republicans. “Why don’t you guys just give the day a chance? Everything looks clearer in the light of day. Maybe you will grow to like the light—once you see the light.”

“And maybe we’ll put a man on the moon.”

The smart-ass scientist started to respond but was quickly quieted and advised not to open a new can of worms.

It went on like this all day until something very weird and mysterious happened. Weird and mysterious to the Republicans at least. It started to get darker outside.

People who weren’t Republicans and didn’t have strong feelings one way or the other on whether it was day or night, so long as things kept moving forward, took notice and sighed a sigh of relief.

“Maybe now they’ll shut up and stop talking about how nice it used to be last night.”  

You might think that but you'd be wrong. And anyone who did think that way certainly didn’t know Republicans.

“I don’t like what I’m seeing,” said the same Republican Senator who didn’t like what he was seeing twelve hours ago when the sun came up.”

“But this is what you wanted—all that bullshit about the good old days last night. Well, they’re back.”"

“I was wrong. And I’m a big enough man to admit when I’m wrong. Now that it’s getting dark I can see the light.”

“That’s not the light. That is a light. People are turning their lights on, Senator,” said an observer in the balcony as the hearing was turning into a free-for-all.

“Well, if that doesn’t go against every rule of nature, I don’t know what does.”

“It’s supposed to go against every rule of nature,” said the snobbish scientist. “That’s what lights do—make the nighttime light. Finally, Senator, you have said something that makes sense.”

“And that doesn’t scare the living daylights out of you?”

“That you said something that makes sense or that lights make the nighttime light?”

“That lights make the nighttime light, you over-educated moron. God, I wish it were light again.”

“So when it was light you wanted the night and now that’s its night you long for the light. What is it with you guys and the way it used to be?”

But Republicans wouldn’t give up. They spoke of Washington and Jefferson as if they still walked the Earth and recounted the glories of last night as if Paul Revere had actually rode through their neighborhood. They had a case of nostalgia so bad they were literally afraid to get out of bed in the morning and just as afraid to lay their heads down at night.

And then someone who wasn’t a Republican got a bright idea—something Republicans used to do before they started spending all their time yearning for the good old days.

 “If you want my opinion,” said a janitor who was sick and tired of mopping up after the huge crowds Republicans drew to their hearings, “the only way to reach Republicans is to stop being logical. Theological is the only language they speak. The only one they understand.

“It's either that or have the NRA point a gun to their heads—they listen to them, or have the Koch brothers pay them off—that always seems to get their attention.”

So the Democrats rounded all the Republicans together and read them the Bible story of Genesis, putting special emphasis on the part where God made the day and then made the night and proclaimed them both to be good—and all future days and nights to be equally good.

Some Republicans recognized the story immediately. They admitted spending so much time reading Leviticus that they plumb forgot about the other stuff in the Bible.

Others sort of remembered the story but still seemed confused.

“I don’t know why I thought night and day started with our forefathers,” said one.

“It made sense at the time,” said another, “but I guess if everything had started with our forefathers, the Earth would only be about 250 years old; and we know it’s at least five thousand years old, if it’s a day.”

And so, the great experiment begun by our forefathers so many years ago continues on. That night Republicans went to bed, not only confident that the sun would come up in the morning but actually looking forward to it.

And Democrats went to bed shaking their heads and wondering what Republicans would come up with next.

The next day, after a peaceful night, FOX News broke the story—Acceptance of day and night by Republicans in Congress seen as a major defeat for Obama.